Read my 20min Ricer Essay. - ModernCamaro.com - 5th Generation Camaro Enthusiasts
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post #1 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Read my 20min Ricer Essay.

We had a sub today 1st period so we had this BS assignment to do, it was about a problem in the world today and how we can fix it. I did ricers! I did it fast so it's not too funny nor accurate and I put it together quickly so I might have forgot some things...I didn't have time to talk about wheels, etc.

Adam *****
Mr. *****
Car Making Class
18 March 2009

Problems of The World.

There are many problems in the world today. Some problems are natural like floods and mudslides, but most are man made such as obesity and horrible videogames. However, no problem has plagued the world more than the ricer!

A ricer is any car that is ugly to begin with, but is made uglier. Ricers are always slow, therefore you cannot rice out a Corvette or even a Camaro; they are too fast. To rice out a car, you take any slow car that was never meant to be fast and you first cut the muffler off, this will allow your car to sound like a race car—very loud—though have no performance gains. You can rev your car to 3000 RPMs and be louder than a tractor trailer. It is horrible when you are trying to sleep and a ricer drives through your neighborhood and wakes you up. Cops do nothing about these loud obnoxious vehicles because if they were to stop them, their flashlights would disintegrate the drivers because they have such dark tint on their windows they have no light in their car.

The next step in becoming a ricer is to have a very large spoiler on your car. Some are made out of carbon fiber but most are made out of plastic in some chinese sweat shop, just like my American Flag. Ricers like to put these on their cars thinking it will make them handle better but 95% of ricers are FWD so the spoiler has nothing to do with the car except weigh it down and look ugly.

Once you have the crappy muffler a.k.a A FART TIP because it sounds like your car is farting, and the spoiler, you can move onto sick nasty decals. Racing stripes are the first step in having an ultimate driving machine. Racing stripes give you the appearance of a race car without having to step onto the track. Most racing stripes are done by 16 year old kids so there are lots of bubbles and rips, they don’t care because their cars are so fast that you can’t see these stripes anyways.

The next and in my opinion the biggest step in becoming a ricer is to have lots of stickers on your car. Stickers go on your back and side windows and lets everybody know what you have under the hood. However, nobody actually has these parts because they cost money and if your driving an import, you have none. Stickers can represent your performance parts, but most of the time they are about stupid audio equipment like bass systems that are so loud it can stop pace makers. Even under the bass, you can still hear the muffler of the car.

Now the most expensive step in becoming a ricer is the body kit. This body kit makes your car look like a cheesy 1980s sea monster or reject monster from Godzilla. They ruin the flow of the car—if the car had any to begin with—and most kids think these ugly pieces of plastic make your car faster, but in truth make your car slower. They come in fiberglass or sometimes carbon fiber but most are made out of plastic—the same as your crappy stereo—or sometimes cardboard for that super custom look. Don’t forget hood scoops that are fake and offer no fresh air into your carburetor, and the sweet wheels! Everybody loves those crappy wheels spray painted in multiple colors. Steel wheels are all the rage nowadays, nobody has aluminum wheels!

Finally, the only way to be a real ricer is to paint your own car, with spray paint from Wal-Mart. Having your car painted matte red, white, green, blue, and black is cool; having all the colors is awesome and you will definitely intimidate any muscle cars like Camaros or Trans Ams. Having a primered car is cool too; some people think not having paint on your car is cool. Muscle cars can be in primer like my Trans Am, but my engine is like 5x the size so it’s ok, I make more torque than their horsepower and torque combined, then doubled.

It is very annoying to be at a stop light and have a 1.6L Honda Civic try to race you by revving his engine, and when he launches his transmission falls to the pavement.
It’s even worse when they hangout at Wal-Mart and turn on their stupid LED lights because they can’t afford NEON lights.

One way to stop this problem is have an automobile education class teaching kids all about cars and stop them from buying these stupid cars. Next we can go to Hollywood and have those making stupid films like The Fast and The Furious, because this gives the kids ideas about being undercover cops and stop drug trafficking in their Mitsubishi Eclipse. We can also have cops give ricers double fines and reduced speed limits. Finally, we can pass a law that all imports—despite being a ricer or not, because there are American ricers too—must drive in the slow lane so muscle cars like Camaros and Trans Ams can drive in the fast lane without having to worry about the Honda in front of them losing their spoiler and smacking your windshield.

Last edited by 80s_Adam; 03-18-2009 at 09:30 AM.
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post #2 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 09:43 AM
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roffle that's a good one... do you get to read it to the class? i bet that would be good for some laughs



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post #3 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 09:59 AM
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Well said
I may have to show this to my friend who wants an Accord Coupe
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post #4 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 11:18 AM
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lol @ camaros and vettes cant be rice......do your research, any car can be rice...vettes and camaros arent excluded!

Last edited by sdoomxz; 03-18-2009 at 12:57 PM.
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post #5 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 11:50 AM
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i like it
A+
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post #6 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 11:54 AM
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LOL

You pass!

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post #7 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 12:43 PM
 
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"Car Making Class"??? I love the idea!

What grade is this? (Just curious...)

Last edited by gto_in_nc; 03-18-2009 at 12:46 PM.
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post #8 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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12th...it's a mechanical drawing class and basically this year we are making this go-kart that is all in pieces because we are too lazy to build it.
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post #9 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 03:35 PM
 
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Great Essay man lmao!
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post #10 of 12 Old 03-18-2009, 04:42 PM
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That short essay pretty much sums up the ricer, good job

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