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post #1 of 21 Old 05-06-2007, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
 
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Talking Joke of the Day..

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to bits, blasted through the control console,snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:




"Defrost the chicken."



Sorry guys.

Jon
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post #2 of 21 Old 05-06-2007, 05:19 PM
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myth busters did this. it was funny as hell


*A Cars Only Purpose Is To Get From Point A to B. I Just Rather Get There In 13.2 @ 106
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post #3 of 21 Old 05-07-2007, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
 
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Posts: 19
 
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their RX-8 and a light bulb.

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.Com and start the crap all over again!!!!!!

One troll to post "LiTE blbz SuXX0RZ, u LuZRS !!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!11"

7 people to post about ignoring the troll.

16 people to post about ignoring the people talking about ignoring the troll, as that is actually feeding the troll.

Two people in the medical profession to post barf bag stories about light bulbs found during A&E examinations.

Four philosophers to argue about the existance of a light bulb. This sub-thread only stops when three of the philosophers have died of old age.

A theologian claims a lightbulb must actually have been the first thing God created.

1098 posts of light bulb jokes. One accidental post of a knock knock joke, flamed as way off-topic.

19 people wander in saying they found this forum by typing "light bulb" into google and following the first link. 23 people claim to have typed "lightbulb". A googlefight ensues.

1 person! posts! a! link! to! a! LightBulb! Forum! on! Yahoo!

5 people confess to having a fetish about lightbulbs. Two of them actually meet in real life and end up marrying each other. They have a very bright future.

One slashdotter to describe how, in Russia, a lightbulb screws you in. 3 responses ask "how many lightbulbs does it take...". None of the answers are funny.

One poster to take an original and funny post and parody it badly.

Four people claim Dan Quayle invented the lightbulbe.
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post #4 of 21 Old 05-08-2007, 05:56 PM Thread Starter
 
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place:


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law somewhere.
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post #5 of 21 Old 05-08-2007, 09:09 PM
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post #6 of 21 Old 05-09-2007, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
 
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1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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post #7 of 21 Old 05-12-2007, 03:01 AM Thread Starter
 
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Posts: 19
 
THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other And says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg To prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
Wakes Up, and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY???!!!" and she acts like she's
Sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!!
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post #8 of 21 Old 05-12-2007, 12:26 PM
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Hahahhaaa that's great!


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post #9 of 21 Old 05-17-2007, 11:41 AM
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 170
 
bLONDE jOKE!!!!!!

A Blonde Driving A Camaro Is Flying Down The Road Doing Well Over The Speed Limit. She Looks In Her Rear View And Sees A Police Car Trying To Pull Her Over. She Pulls Over Politley. The Blonde Cop Walks Up To Her And Says: "Licence And Registration". The Blonde Driver Searchers Through Her Purse And Asks Whats A Licence Looks Like. The Cop Says" Its a Square Thing With Your Picture On It." So The Driver Pulls Out A Mirror And Hands It To The Cop. The Blonde Cop Looks In It Hands It Back And Says "OH! I Didnt Know You Where A Cop. Ill Have To Let You Go."
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post #10 of 21 Old 05-17-2007, 12:12 PM
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LMAO!

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