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If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence..

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand..

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.


This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 

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Although I am sorry to hear what happened to you...it was very **** funny:lol:, I could not stop laughing and I drove my wife crazy because she has no sense of humor (I have been trying so hard to buy her one over the last 17 years:lol:)
 

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Well I laughed and cryed at the same time.

:lol::lol::lol:

 

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ROFLMAO


Adam , Adam , Adam Not only am I laughing at you right now but As I read this to myself " out loud " didnt know I was doing so lol
I had 3 others in the room laughing at me.
They say its funny as hell however its even more funnier when you add a Texas Accent to it and hear me reading it.

One of the women here at work said You and I could react this and it could be a king of the hill episode roflmao


Man I could so sit on the other side of the fence and watch you shock the pi$$ out of yourself any day hahahaha

I feel yor pain I have never grabbed one but I stepped on one 2 years ago..... im sure it sterilized me from having kids for a few yeasr hahahahaha.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
What is weird is having to wake up 5 minutes earlier in the morning to roll up my long asss nuts.
 

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Have you thought about a timer on the power source, maybe a 5 amp fuse, possibly, just possibly repairing the top wire to sit on top of the fence again? I was almost literally rollin on the floor laughin, my wife had to come in and check out what was wrong, she almost died readin that story.

P.S. bungee cords for the nuts, saves time.
 

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Thanks for the suggestions. I had to shave my nuts today as I kept rolling over on them last night and pulling the hairs. I got NO sleep!

If they do not shrink, like the doctor said they would, over the next week I am going to call this Dr.:

http://www.sierraplasticsurgery.net/Procedures_ScrotalReductionorTightening_423294.aspx

I am thinking about doing a dual battery setup. I mean sh!t, I lived.

One on each end of the fence with dual ground rounds.

Some of my dumb a55 inlaws cousins kids are coming into town this weekend...20 yr olds who think they can outdrink and story tell me and I am going to have to break out the, YOU won't" a couple times and see how the fence is working.

I'll break out the camera this time too!
 

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That has got to be caught on video. We want video!!!!! I got tears rolling down my face. Thanks for the laugh.:lol::lol:
 

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That has got to be caught on video. We want video!!!!! I got tears rolling down my face. Thanks for the laugh.:lol::lol:
Nice 54th post!

You are very welcome. All I ever wanted as a kid was to make people laugh! Well, that and....nevermind:lol:
 
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