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While we're all staring at our calendars waiting for the 21st, I thought we could pass the time with some jokes. I'll start this thread by posting a joke, and the next peep can post one, etc........

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
 

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Did you hear about the scammers at Home Depot???
2 women walked up the car and proceed to clean the windshield. While doing so they allow their breasts to flop around and make sure your attention is drawn to them while they twist and turn.
After cleaning one of them walks up to the window. Immediately the first reaction is that they want money. The woman asks if they can be brought to Mc Donalds since they are hungry. Figuring that can't be harmful why not bring 2 hot women to get food.
While in route the one in the pass seat began to give sexual favors. The other one in the back seat cleverly stole,, yep the wallet.
I don't know about you guys but I plan to go back this evening, tomorrow and Friday since walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99
 

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A guy came home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was a little disturbed about what he heard, but ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the troubling voice.

Day after day, the man was tormented by the voice each time he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure of the voice. So he quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas.

The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. No sooner did he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table."

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed.

The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . . . . . 21.

"****", said the voice.
 

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Here's (an approximation of) one of John Hodgman's "Jokes which have never produced laughter":

A duck walks into a pharmacy, he says to the pharmacist and says "Do you have any ointment for my bill, my bill is very dry." The Pharmacist replies "We have nothing for ducks here."

End of joke.
 

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light FOR $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

and then the fight started.
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

and then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....
************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
 

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A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollipop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollipops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
 

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you know your driving a Camaro when...

1. You know you're driving a Camaro if your fuel gauge and your tachometer move at the same rate, in opposite directions.

2. What does the back of a Mustang look like anyway???

3. You know you're driving a Camaro when the Mustang in your rearview mirror gets smaller and smaller and smaller!!!

4. Old ladies move faster than they ever have to get off the street.

5. The cops don't bother chasing you anymore.

6. You challenge a Mustang at a red light, and he looks the other way.

7. Women you don't know drive up next to you, just to wave!

8. You hear "must be nice" countless times in a conversation about your ride.

9. If you convert your horsepower into years, it's longer than your children's children will live.

10. After goosing the engine, you look in your rearview mirror, just to see if that cutie is watching you.

11. When you're checking your rearview mirror and notice a real cutie staring at your car but can't catch up to wave hi

***feel free to add some "you know when your driving a Camaro"***
 

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light FOR $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

and then the fight started.
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

and then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....
************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
:rotflmao: These are the most hilarious jokes that I've seen in a while! Great choices, CRS. Made my day.
 

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
 
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